Motherhood Interrupted

Challenge Day 7

I’ve been struggling with the idea of being addicted to shopping. I know I’ve said that I am a shopaholic but I never really took it all into perspective. This last week I have had my daughter home from daycare which is never a bad thing. I always enjoy having Peyton all to myself because she’s a daddy’s girl and when Steve is home from work I no longer exist.IMG_7149

This week has been a bit rougher then I thought…

Mommy! Can I get something from the fridge?
Sure honey.
Can I have an apple?
Okay

Simple conversation, nothing that could be a problem. I peeled and cut the apple for Peyton and brought it out to the living room.

I don’t want an apple mommy.
Peyton you just said you wanted an apple.
I want a banana.
We don’t have bananas honey.
But I want a banana!

Toddlers have their moments and I shouldn’t have been surprised that Peyton changed her mind within a span of a couple of minutes; but this instance hit me a bit harder than usual.
I haven’t shopped, window shopped or scrolled online stores for seven days and to most that would be completely okay. Unfortunately I use shopping as a way to relax and release stress or anxiety (both of which I experience pretty regularly) and with my last year of college only a few days away, my normal routine has been altered. No back to school clothing shopping, updating my jewelry or finding a cool new purse and hat combination.

The idea of watching others around me with their new clothing hauls and me with not a single new piece seemed to anger me in a way i didn’t think was possible.

…Back to the Peyton incident…

Normally when Peyton acts out I am a bit agitated but this time I was Mt. Vesuvius on volcano day. I’ve never been so angry at my baby, she’s only two and she’s the sweetest little girl.

Mommy I want a banana.
Mommy?
Mommy!

I bottled it up and convinced Peyton to have the apples I cut for her. Two segments in and…

Mommy, I’m all done. Can I have bananas now?
No baby we don’t have any bananas.
But I want them!

Vesuvius’ rumble turned into a full eruption. I could feel my body get hot.

I never get this angry at my baby.
What is wrong with me?

I quickly locked myself in my sunroom and call my best friend. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years so when we call each other for help, help is on the way. As I sat in the sunroom waiting I realized that most of my anger was just built up from the stress, anxiety and slight jealousy of the events around me.

It may be silly to some but I have created a world where the only way to make myself happy is to buy something. Shopping is my yoga, crocheting, exercise and meditation. I can do it with friends if I want or I can do it alone when I want to think.

Hello honey. Where’s your mom?

Felicia is my saviour. Vesuvius’ eruption dissipated and the sun was out again.

I have a problem, and it’s not just a shopping problem. I use shopping as a way to solve or forget my issues but I haven’t found anything else that gives me the same satisfaction. I used to have an abundance of passions and hobbies; shopping has engulfed them all.

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